Carducci Beat Up

By Joey Romero

We have breaking news that Joey Romero has struck once again at Nipomo High School. After his recent beating of Mr. Gross, Joey has returned with a vengeance. This time his victim was Neil Carducci, a student here at NHS and also a wrestler. Neil was an easy candidate for young Joseph, with his puny muscles and small stature, he was no match for Joey. Some witnesses said that Neil’s half shaved legs attracted Joey to hurt him, others say it was his beastly sweating habits.

Witnesses say Joey approached Neil and immediately started swinging. Joey connected with a few punches to the face and knocked Neil to the ground. While on the ground Neil tried to cradle Joey in one of his famous “Carducci cradles” but this could not stop Joey. Joseph immediately reversed Neil and his worthless cradle attempt and wound up on top like countless opponents Neil has wrestled. Once there Joey started beating Neil and started landed punches and kicks to the face.

Neil cried for help and Joey started to flee in fear of getting caught. Neil’s high pitched screams were heard across campus and spooked many of the students who were eating lunch. It was quite sad listening to Neil’s whining and screaming as it resembled the sound coming from a new born baby girl. By the time help arrived Neil was unconscious from blood loss. He is still in critical condition at the moment at Marian Medical Center in Santa Maria. Some say that while in critical condition Neil resembles a “ginger baby.” Neil’s best friend Peter Van Ryn has visited Neil day in and day out, often being left alone with Neil in his hospital room.

We are sad to say that Joey has still eluded authorities. Police believe that he will be caught soon. Also for some reason Neil’s hair has started turning red, and he is developing some freckles. We conclude this story with the hope of Neil recovering from the beating.